15: I HATE SOUP

SOUP is the WORST.

It makes me so angry. I just can't hide it anymore

Is it a food or is it a liquid?

Stop trying to be all things to all people you slushy piece of uncertainty.

Imagine some weak kneed crap-person who doesn't dare offend and so claims to support labour, green, conservative AND BNP and in the process ends up MUSHY, SOGGY and topped with SOGGY FLOPPY ONION PIECES. Would you be their friend?

NO!

If I want my meat hot and wet I'll pour beer over my steak. If I want my drink with bits in, I'll tip carrot cubes in my tea. But I don't. Why would I? Its a filthy state of affairs. Stop trying to fuck up the natural order of things, soup. The reason people dunk bread in you is because they want somethign to bite on.

And DON'T try and sell me yourself in a restaurant on the basis of being 'heartwarming'. That's a crime.

I say to this to you:

'YOU VAGUE PIECE OF GOO, ARE YOU FOOD OR ARE YOU LIQUID? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!'

'But please sir, I thought I'd be a little bit of that and a little bit of this. Does this not please you?'

'No!'

'But don't you want some MORE? Oliver did!'

'Oliver was very poor and desperate and rubbish. We have moved on.'

'But I can be made from yesterday's leftovers.'

'My point precisely!'

'And chicken carcasses make me taste rich and creamy'

'I rest my case!'

'And you can fry stale bits of bread and float them in me'

'Judge!!'

'And even turnips and cabbage can be put....'

------- COURT ADJOURNS