5: EVERYTHING IS SHAKING

I was lying on a hard mattress in a small dark hotel room in Antigua eating some corn chips and thinking of England when the trembling started. I was noting how remarkably flavoursome the chips were, light but exceptionally cheesy, when the bed started to shake. It started rather quickly at first, much like when a lorry passes near your window but then grew more dramatic, much like a nurse might shake your bed if trying to wake you from a coma. ‘MR USBORNE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!’ I thought to myself ‘Whats going on here? These chips are good but not THAT good. Wait a second…it’s an earthquake.’



And it was an earthquake. Or a very bad tremor if you must be unsympathetic to my sense of adventure. It lasted for ten seconds and the picture on the wall shook. The obligatory single light bulb shed a plume of dust. It was all theatrically perfect.

The surprising thing is I was terrifically calm. This is not because I am Bruce Willies but because to be in an earthquake is a very strange sensation which leads to even stranger reactions. I’ll tell you what it feels like to be in an earthquake: it feels as if ALL THE RULES HAVE CHANGED.

You see, even in the best of circumstances life can be an effort: we have to fight gravity from morn till eve and if we strain our knees we have to wear supports to help us through the day; we have to find food and we have to not answer the phone to tele-sales people; we have to programme our video machines and know where to find the matching brackets for the IKEA shelves (aisle g43, name: smorgeskrrp). However, with all of these tasks there is a sense that there are rules at play that may be a pain but which we can rely: gravity will always pull in a roughly downward direction, the sun will rise when it’s meant to, the video machine won’t work and the matching Ikea brackets will be sold out. These are baselines.

But when the ground starts to shake what can you do? Complain to the waiter.‘Hello, this isn’t fair’. Nothing can be done. I can work with gravity but not with this. What is there to rely on? God has moved the goal posts. No! He’s tipped the field and installed a goalie with rectangular hands exactly the size and shape of the goal. The only response is to sit back and give up. There is no game to play. What else can you do? THE GROUND IS MOVING. The nice people in yellow shirts can’t help you now. So get one of those paper tape measures and imagine what the room will look like when everything has fallen down.



So I just watched the little picture that was hanging from the wall above my head and I saw it shake back and forth and then I heard a few kids’ screams and then I carried on eating the nachos. They still tasted of cheese. At least some things in life are certain. Then it all stopped and I praised myself. Is there a ‘I’ve been in an earthquake’ cub-scout badge?

Outside my room there was a beautiful parrot in a cage. I wondered if he felt safe inside bars. Why a photo of this bird not as good as the mysterious Quetzal bird and if not why not?



Now what is going on when the earth tremors? I really don’t know. I have not read the book. I could make it up but I wouldn’t want to misinform you. A little geological understanding is probably a dangerous thing – an eruption? Let me through I’m an amateur GEOLOGIST!

But my point is that things were getting a little SHAKY.

And then, as if to stress the point I saw a man die in the street. Next posting for that.